


What It Is

by HumanError



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad John, Sad Sherlock, Sherlock Series 4 Spoilers, The lying detective, the HUG
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 15:41:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9391802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumanError/pseuds/HumanError
Summary: Just like that he thought, trying with everything he had left in him not to cry, just like that. Everything can come crashing down.There is a hesitation before Sherlock’s arm encompasses him and pulls him against his chest. A hesitation before there are fingers placed gently on his back, timidly caressing until finding a resting place on his neck. John leans into the tender embrace; it’s welcoming.





	

_Just like that_ he thought, trying with everything he had left in him not to cry, _just like that. Everything can come crashing down._

There is a hesitation before Sherlock’s arm encompasses him and pulls him against his chest. A hesitation before there are fingers placed gently on his back, timidly caressing until finding a resting place on his neck. John leans into the tender embrace; it’s welcoming.

They stay like that for mere moments, every emotion that had been building up within John finally breaking through the barrier and dragging him downwards. He sobs and doesn’t try to hide the tears.

“It’s ok.” Sherlock says, trying to reassure him, knowing full well that what he is saying cannot possibly be true. Of course it can’t be.

“It’s not ok.” John responds, his voice barely there. Sherlock’s arms hold him closer, pressing John against his chest so all he can hear is the gentle beat of Sherlock’s heart. He counts. _One, two, three…_ and every beat is comforting. _Sherlock is still here. I still have him. He’s alive._

“No…” Sherlock’s thumb brushes against John’s nape before he rests his head on John’s, carefully turning it so that his cheek brushes against his hair. They are like a puzzle, a key fitting into a lock. “…but it is what it is.”

John knows that he is a broken man. The events of the past few weeks had slowly been building up to something extraordinary, culminating into the disarray that was his thoughts. He was grieving. Heartbroken. Lost. Scared. Angry. _Unstable._ The extent to which his self-loathing was making itself present made John terrified. The man who John had become was not the man he wanted to be. Not the man Sherlock had encouraged him to be, in ways that only John knew.

Pulling away, John wiped his eyes with the back of his hand before turning his head up towards Sherlock. His eye is still bloodshot, the bruising surrounding it turning into a deep shade of yellow. The stitches are gone but he knows that a scar will be left. All because of him.

The tears spill before he even has a chance to compose himself and soon enough he is wrapped in Sherlock’s embrace yet again, sobbing against his chest. He doesn’t notice straight away but Sherlock’s hands are shaking, his breaths heavier than they were seconds before. A sniff confirms his suspicions and John realises that the detective is just as broken as he is.

“I’m sorry.” John shuts his eyes as remembers the morgue. Remembers how panicked Sherlock was when he thought Culverton had the scalpel, when he was laughing at him. The fear that encapsulated his eyes was a vision John couldn’t shake and he took advantage of that. His vulnerability had never been more obvious and he _ignored_ everything he had been taught, everything he knew and attacked him. “I’m so sorry.” John says again before enveloping Sherlock’s body in his arms, pulling him as close as possible so that there was no space between them. Sherlock presses his face into John’s hair and inhales.

 _Kick after kick after kick._ Blood on the floor. _Sherlock_ on the floor. The worst part of it was, John knew, was Sherlock believing that he was deserving of it. That John was entitled.

No matter how much John could apologise he knew that he couldn’t forgive himself. Not after everything Sherlock had been through.

“We’ll get through this, John.” Sherlock shifted so that he was looking at John. John opened his eyes and watched as Sherlock’s mouth turned up slightly, a smile that told him everything that he needed to know. _I forgive you, John._ “Soldiers.”

“Soldiers.”

It was a start.


End file.
